The Life of a Stay at Home Dad, Part 2

“So what do you do?” The all too common question concerning one’s profession. “I stay at home with my son.” My answer (and me for that matter) was dismissed with what could be described as a look of pity. Apparently, according to this guy, what I do each day is quite lame and not worth discussing. Exaggeration? Maybe. But his look surely wasn’t one of approval.

The Mr. Mom gig wasn’t planned. And considering my great disdain for emptying the dishwasher and folding laundry, I never really pictured myself in this position. Truth be told, all that kind of stuff isn’t exclusively my responsibility. My wife and I are the sharing type. But being home all day results in doing certain things more often than you’d like. No, I became a stay at home dad out of necessity. After losing my job and going back to school I was already the one at home when my wife gave birth to our son, Eoin (that’s Owen for all you non Irish). So naturally, it made sense. It’s a hard job, harder than I expected. But better as well.

Any mom or dad knows parenting is a battle of wills, requiring much patience and even a child’s perspective. My pride is repeatedly squished as I realize over and over again that I can’t yet reason with my 1 year old Tasmanian angel. You find yourself thinking he should understand all of what you’re saying, especially in those meltdown moments. I know he doesn’t yet get it but still I find the need to tell him to “calm down” countless times a day, foolishly expecting him to comply. Instead he gets crazier…throwing, banging, dancing, running, laughing in a tornado of activity that usually results in a giddy father son wrestling match on the floor. The problem is forgotten and I’m lost in the joy of playing with my boy, even if he continues to think eye-gouging is legal.

If he can’t understand my pleas for him to chill, he certainly knows how to communicate his needs and doing so almost always reminds me of the immediate importance of attention he requires. Not attention for food or those pesky dirty diapers but simply the need to be paid attention to. I’m the king of distracting myself. I’ve probably done it a hundred times while writing this and I do it with my son as well. Sometimes those meltdowns are because he wants me to read him a book, chase him around, or just sit with him and revel in the strangeness and coolness that is Yo Gabba Gabba. He just wants me there. And I don’t want to be anywhere else (most of the time).

I actually pity the guy who asked me that all too common question. I find it sad many have a narrow view of what fatherhood is or can be. Sure, being in this position makes you reevaluate your identity because it’s still not all that common of a place to be. But when I do ultimately return to the professional world I will miss Eoin and probably some of that craziness too. In numerous ways, he and I are the best of buddies. I never thought a little guy of 16 months could be that for me. Being around him so much during his brief life thus far has been a blessing and an experience many fathers and sons don’t get to have. I like to think both he and I will be better off because of it.

So what are your (if any) preconceived notions about stay at home dads or about being a stay at home dad? And what should I give my kid for lunch today? 


Patrick is a SAHD living in DC. You can connect with him at "paddythatch@yahoo.com" or just look for him doing an Irish jig with Eoin in the parks around our nation's capital.

The Life of a Stay-at-Home Dad

Editor's note: This week I'm highlighting some dads that have a different kind of crucial role in their families. They're the ones who stay at home while their wives "bring home the bacon." These guys are not only greatly overlooked, but in many ways, as you'll see from these guys' stories, questioned for their choices. But these men have valuable things to share. I'm sure you'll agree...

“You are going to do what?!”  That is the typical reaction I received two years ago when my wife and I initially decided that she would continue working while I stayed home with our new baby boy.  The difference in our salaries was so large that it really wasn’t even worth discussing.  Within two months there I was alone with a newborn while my wife went off to work…. My friends thought I was crazy.  

People without children thought I had it made… watching TV, napping on the couch, snacking.  That’s what I do all day right?  As any stay-at-home mom can tell you… that is not quite right!  Basically what I have is a 6am-6pm job Monday-Friday.  With an active 2 year old (Brayden), a 7 month old (Noah) who is now creeping about and a massive pile of laundry and dishes… there is no time for any leisure dad-time.  Even during the luxurious 1:00 hour when both boys are sleeping at the same time and the couch is looking ever so comfortable, there is laundry to be finished, dishes to be washed, and a work out that needs to be completed so that I can actually keep up with my adventurous boys!

One interesting part of this set up has been the reactions of complete strangers to our living situation.  Without even asking for any opinions, typically both my wife and I get them.  Apparently I should feel pretty bad about “letting” my wife have the only job… she in turn should feel just awful that (as a mother) she leaves her small children each day.  Luckily for us, what we actually have is this amazing understanding and compassion about the other person’s rough day.  She knows how hard it is to stay at home and take care of two kids all day.  I know how hard it is to leave the house and go to work everyday.  Any venting on either side is always met with empathetic ears.  

Not that I don’t have my days!  Certainly the hardest part for me has been the lure of all of the electronic temptations floating about our house… from laptops, desktops, iPads, smart phones, and of course the TV, I am never at a loss if I would like to disengage and catch up on some scores.  What I have learned though is that when Brayden is given all of my attention, whether it is playing pretend in his tent, pushing cars with him outside, building towers upon towers of blocks, or just sitting next to him while he watches Disney and has a snack, he is the most compliant boy!  After spending all of Noah’s nap giving Brayden my undivided attention, he really has no trouble playing by himself while I attend to Noah’s needs.  He trusts that when I am finished, he will get his fill of dad’s time and love.  

With any 2 year old, we obviously have tantrums.  But for every bad day, we have at least 10 good days to follow.  Approximately 60% of this, I credit to my wife.  While most think of her as a fellow new mom of two, she actually is a Behavior Analyst with 14 years of experience dealing with everything new parents have to deal with on a daily basis!  She trains parents to help their children to decrease tantrums/hitting, learn how to talk, follow instructions the first time they are asked, and basically anything else you can think of!  The other 40% then, is me swallowing my pride and following her advice exactly.  I now have seen it in action with our boys so it is no longer even difficult to listen…. I follow her advice and the problem gets better instead of bigger.  

Although it has been said many times…. You really don’t get these early years back.  At 2 years old and 7 months old, I have to say that those boys are my best friends.  I wouldn’t trade in my job for anything and I feel blessed that we are able to raise our children this way… but we are definitely only having two!!!


Are you a stay-at-home dad (SAHD)? Have you ever thought about trying it?


John Yakich is a phenomenal SAHD who has turned their garage into an amazing playroom for their energetic boys. To connect with him, you can email him at "jlyakich0707@gmail.com"

One of the Best Storylines of All

As I was watching the Olympics last night, it seemed as if the theme of redemption was being weaved through most of events, especially on the track at Olympic Stadium. Allyson Felix finally won gold after only capturing silver in Athens and Beijing, and Brittany Reese jumped the farthest of any of her competitors in London after a heartbreaking fifth place finish in the long jump in Beijing. The U.S. women's soccer team is looking for redemption in their rematch with Japan in today's gold medal match, after a nail-biter of a loss in the World Cup finals last summer, and the examples go on and on.

I think we all like a good redemption story, don't we? "Rocky," "Braveheart," "Cinderella Man" are all good tales where the main character finds some sort of atonement near the end of the movie. And if your kids rule the DVD player, you can probably relate more to "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and "Toy Story" for a redemptive theme. Regardless, there's something about us as humans where we seem to be rooting for the underdog, the one who has always had the chips stacked against him, and finally has the chance to redeem himself. We like hearing about and watching stories with that kind of happy ending.

Here's the thing about happy endings, though. They always come at the end. And that's the image that sticks with us - Sly Stallone winning at the end, Mel Gibson leading his men to victory, Woody getting back in the good graces of the rest of Andy's toys. The majority of the story focuses on the hardship and conflict that the main character has to endure, but we tend to forget that because it's not pleasant or fun, and we just want to skip to the end to see how it all turns out.

I fall into that same trap as well. I've had some hardships and conflict in my life as a husband and father, and I spend tons of time wishing I could just skip to the end of it, and just get to the redemptive part. I find myself chomping at the bit to get to the time when my daughter is through and done with the terrible twos, or I don't have to deal with such and such hardship anymore, and just get to the redemption at the end.

However, it's the hardship and conflict that ultimately brings my family closer together, not to mention brings me closer in the my relationship with the Lord. God is constantly working His redemptive purposes here on earth, but that means that He's got to work through a lot of shhhhtuff first in order to get there. And if Caylah were the perfect child (dare to dream!), I know we wouldn't be nearly as close as we can be if our family figures out how to navigate through conflict and hardship well together.

So, as uncomfortable as the hardships are, I need to continue to remind myself to press into them and make sure I'm learning everything I can from them. The Lord always has lessons to teach in the midst of those times, and I need to be careful not to look past them so that I can just get to the happy ending. Because as sweet as the redemption is, they aren't nearly as valuable without the hardships that have come before them.


Not to mention all of the great stories Caylah's future boyfriends will get to hear about her temper tantrums...


What are some of your favorite redemptive stories?
What are some things you've learned that help you get through the hardships as a dad?

Dads at the Olympics

I love watching the Olympics.

I love the drama, the intrigue, the twists, the turns - and that's just the social media response to NBC's handling of the Games!

And maybe it's because I'm always on the lookout for content for this blog, but I've become highly aware of the role that dads are playing in London during these two weeks.

Here are some of my favorite "dad spots" so far from this year's Games:

Dick Franklin: Missy Franklin is only 17 and swimming at her very first Olympics. However, her medal haul (4 golds, 1 bronze) belies both of those things. Then, when you see the video of her reunited with her parents, you are reminded that she isn't too old to need her mommy and daddy. I love seeing her dad go crazy for her in the stands.

Rick Raisman: We've all probably seen the video of Rick and his wife, Lynn, practically performing their daughter Aly's performance on the uneven bars for the team gymnastics competition...from the stands. While some have questioned whether this is the best example of healthy parenting, I know I do my fair share of "body english" while watching these events, and my only connection to Aly Raisman is that we live in the same country. My favorite part of that clip is Rick's release of stress by letting out a barbaric yawp (every good post has at least one "Dead Poets' Society" reference) at the camera at the end. I can totally see me doing the same thing as a father.

Bert le Clos: This guy is far and away my favorite dad of the Olympics. His son, Chad, stunned the crowd at the Aquatic Center last week when he beat Michael Phelps (his idol, by his own admission) in the 200m butterfly. I didn't come across many South African men, especially one from a rural setting like Bert, that were emotional about anything. But this guy kept gushing about how proud he was of his son. In an interview right after the race, he praised his son's work ethic, and said, "He's the most beautiful boy you could ever meet. Look at him he is crying like me. I love you." Baie lekker, bru!


What have been some of your favorite "dad spots" from London?

The Me I Might Have Been...

I came across this comic in my Sunday paper on Father's Day of last year. Every comic that day had some sort of focus on dads, but this one caught my eye because of the last part of Heart's entry. I'll admit, I got a little misty-eyed as the ramifications of that statement hit me - "the me I might have been."

I cut that strip out of the paper, and it now hangs just inside my office door, so that I see it every time I head out of work to go home to my family.

Dads, please don't ever forget the impact that you can have on your family. They are always better with you than without you.


What type of signs or mementos do you have to help you remember the importance of your role?

Independence Run Amok

My wife and I have officially been rendered useless, according to my eldest, Caylah.

It's surprising, really. I mean, she's only two, and, contrary to her own belief, cannot, in fact, drive our SUV. Nevertheless, the terrible twos have brought along a phrase that you'd think, according to the frequency with which she uses it, is as important to her as breathing.

"No, me"

Caylah, can Daddy help you with your shoes? No, me.
Caylah, do you want Mommy to buckle you into your car seat? No, me.

Caylah, how about Daddy lifts you out of this basket of poisonous rattlesnakes? No, me.

People who know much more about child development than I do will tell you (at least they've told me) that Caylah is at that age where she's beginning to figure out her individuality. Kids at her age are realizing that they have an opinion that could be different from Mommy and Daddy and are exercising their right to choose. So even though I know that emptying the dishwasher will take her for-EEEHHH-veerrr (hello, "Sandlot"), as she has to hand me

every

         single

                   dish

it's supposed to be important for me and Christina not to squelch that independence, but instead to encourage her to try things on her own.

And while I get that on one level, I've noticed there's a very thin line between independence and rebellion. While there are instances where Caylah truly wants to see if she can accomplish something on her own (like the girl is really lacking in self-confidence with yours truly already wrapped around her finger!), there are numerous times where the "No, me," seems to be coming from a place of pure obstinance. She's refusing moreso because she can than anything else.

But before I get too conflicted between dealing with her stubbornness and the fact that she's absolutely adorable (which she's already learned to use to her advantage), I can't help but think that this is nothing more than a ramification of the Fall. That original rebellion that Adam and Eve had against God laid the foundation for the reality of Caylah refusing to stay in her Time Out chair. Additionally, it laid the foundation for the blatant disobedience I have toward the Lord.

Chris, how about you give Me the worry that's consuming you right now? No, me.
Chris, can I help you figure out what your next step should be from here? No, me.
Chris, why don't you let Me be the focus of your marriage? No, me.

And just like we do with Caylah when she's blatantly disobeying, I can totally see times where the Lord has put me in Time Out. He did it to the Israelites, for 40 years, in fact (hmmm...I think I'll store that little tidbit away for when Caylah gets upset with me for grounding her for a week). There are times when my disobedience can only be dealt with by giving me time to "think about what I've done." But if I'm using that time wisely, I come out with a greater intimacy with the Lord, as I've come closer to understanding how much He loves me and how my disobedience was damaging that intimacy. Unfortunately, my memory resembles my two-year-old more often than I'd like to admit, as lessons are having to be repeated by my Abba over and over (and, yes, over) again. But I know that it's always done because He loves me, and the discipline is to draw me back to Him.

 Maybe THAT'S why Caylah always gives me that cutesy smile when I go and get her from Time Out...


How do you go about affirming independence, yet keeping that rebellion in check?

Being a "Successful" Dad

A couple of days ago I posted this article that spoke to the importance of fathers engaging in the lives of their children from the very beginning. First of all, props to the University of Oxford for focusing on fathers in the first place. I hope more researchers follow their lead in order to shed more light on the importance of the role of the fathers in helping to form a healthy child.

What got me is the finding that fathers can have a negative impact even if they are physically present - I can be home every afternoon, every weekend, but if I fail to engage with my children, it's as if I'm not even there. That's one thing when we're talking about Caylah, who's just over two and is tough to miss as she's dancing around to songs from "Tangled." Those constant cups of tea from her singing teapot, though imaginary, are an irresistible invitation to join with her, regardless of what's on the television and how tough work was that day.

Three MONTHS old is a different story. When Caden is has been crying for the past 30 minutes, I'm completely clueless as to how to fix it. He doesn't engage, so how can I? The boy eats, sleeps, and poops, and while I can be an expert diaper-changer, it's tough to feel as if I'm making much of a difference. And it's challenging for us as men to make an investment in something if we don't get that immediate feedback. Not a chance an eight-week old is going to thank me and give me props for the slick way I got that clean diaper on him before he had a chance to spray me.

And let's not even get into the different dynamics of a marriage when a baby enters the picture. While the wife (especially if she nurses) is often the main care-giver, the husband can easily feel like he's been reduced to the role of spectator, both as a father AND a husband. And I don't know many guys who appreciate being a spectator, unless it's along the first base or 50-yard line.

All of this puts us guys in a difficult...conundrum. The time that is most crucial for us dads to engage with our kids is the toughest time for us to feel as if we can, at least successfully.

You know, God's funny sometimes - the timing He uses. Two nights ago, as I'm in the middle of writing this very post, my wife asked me to hold Caden so he could fall asleep (this story fits, I promise). So I walked him around until he was solidly in dreamland...at least I thought he was. As soon as I put him down to sleep, his eyes got all wide as if the two-second catnap suited him just fine, and now it was time to be awake again. I can't even tell you how many other methods I tried to get him down, and it was just not working. Eventually, my wife took him back again to feed him. Extremely frustrated, I handed my one-month old son to her, commenting, "Well, THAT was a waste of time." The way I saw it, I had failed at my task, which was to get him to fall asleep. I had been given a job to do and I didn't/couldn't do it. I had just spent 45 minutes doing, in my eyes, absolutely nothing, and was so aggravated.

What my wife reminded me, however, was that I had just spent 45 minutes holding my son. For the better part of the previous hour, I had just engaged with my newborn. What to me was a very unsuccessful, failed task, was, in fact, what that article is begging fathers to do. I was successful after all.

So I wonder if we dads need to redefine what we mean by success. When our kids are that young, the times when we'll know for sure if we're doing it "right" are few and far between. Engage anyway. Hold them anyway. Even if we don't know why they're crying, or fidgety, or don't seem to be growing or changing. The idea of "measurables" is not something we can, or even should, put on our infant children, as tempting as that might be. I have to choose to trust that what I'm doing is making a difference in the life of my child. To trust that I will be able to reap the benefits at some point. That my effort is not in vain.

But, just this once, can't he fall asleep anyway?


What does being "successful" with your kids look like in your context?